from The Year of Magical Thinking

I have been using the majority of my down time over the past week to read The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. It was passed to me by a friend and has proven to be exactly what I've needed at this point in the mourning process. My excerpts describe exactly what I've been at a loss to describe.

from pages 188-189

Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect this shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind. We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe that their husband is about to return and need his shoes. 

In the version of grief we imagine, the model will be “healing.” A certain forward movement will prevail. The worst days will be the earliest days. We imagine that the moment to most severely test us will be the funeral, after which this hypothetical healing will take place.When we anticipate the funeral we wonder about failing to “get through it,” rise to the occasion, exhibit the “strength” that invariably gets mentioned as the correct response to death. We anticipate needing to steel ourselves for the moment: will I be able to greet people, will I be able to leave the scene, will I be able even to get dressed that day? 

We have no way of knowing that this will not be the issue. We have no way of knowing that the funeral itself will be anodyne, a kind of narcotic regression in which we are wrapped in the care of others and the gravity and meaning of the occasion. Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference because grief as we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself.

A Birthday Hiding Place

Today is the birthday celebration of my most favorite two-year-old. 

This is J. around her birthday last year, November 2010. 

I began nannying Johannah when she was just shy of three months old. She is the smartest, funniest, silliest little lady I've ever met and I just adore her. It goes without saying that one year makes such a significant difference. She speaks in sentences, remembers everyone's name, and yesterday told her music teacher that her favorite animal was a crocodile.
Her teacher expected kitty or doggy or bunny ... not crocodile!

Untitled from Kelli J on Vimeo.

Jimmy and I wanted to give her the perfect two-year-old gift, one that will be used frequently and inspires the use of imagination! Based on this model, we made her a tent!

Happiest birthday, Johannah! We think you're pretty rad!

**This was supposed to post yesterday, but there were technical difficulties. Happy birthday on November 23.

On Grief and Its Season

I step out our front door each morning eagerly greeted by the chill of winter. Reluctant to accept her return, I burrow deeply into layers, into warmth, into myself. For protection, for preservation, for survival. It is needed, it is necessary, it is at times lonely, and yet a welcome opportunity to turn inward and work out the inner going-ons of my mind trying to make sense of my day's simplest doings not making sense. 

Oh, this season, this glorious, beautiful, painful, challenging season. This autumn has been the deepest, soul-shaking, catastrophic daily life happening to happen and yet time continues on as it does. Day dwindles earlier as it should, our lives grow shorter as they must. Quietness has been welcomed into my home and heart as I find myself, at times, weary of the tangled thoughts, confused words that fall forward from my consciousness uninvited. 

And so I just am. 

I attempt to embrace this wholly unique, fragile season of my existence, to caress it carefully in the palm of my hand, appreciate its impact on my shape and role in this world.

For I am always changing, renewing, reawakening and will welcome the grace that comes from waiting, from having patience with myself as I transform,

to let this be just as it is, to let me be just as I am. 

Ponderings :: Vegetarian

I am humbled by this Post Secret. Beautiful  ♥

In My Kitchen :: A Weekly Menu

couscous, sloppy joes, cinnamon rolls, muffins

Saturday

Coconut Curry with Sauteed Veggies and Couscous

Sunday

Homemade Cinnamon Rolls

Scrambled Eggs

Zucchini Sausages


Monday
Hearty Broccoli Soup


Tuesday
Tomato Soup and Grilled Cheese


Wednesday
Vegan Sloppy Joes
Raisin and Carrot Muffins


Thursday
Coconut Curry with Sauteed Vegetables and Couscous






My version of coconut curry is a recipe I've created myself. I always start with onions and garlic, throw in potatoes, and then whatever vegetables I have on hand. This week I used summer squash, zucchini, broccoli, and bell peppers. I add in black pepper, crushed red pepper, a few table spoons of curry powder and coconut milk.




Visit my cookbook arsenal here.

In My Kitchen :: A Vegetarian Cookbook Extravaganza

2011 has been such a year of food exploration for me and beautifully so. I've found myself in the kitchen on many a night trying out new recipes and enjoying intoxicating new vegetables. I'm so lucky to nanny as well. I have the space to cook delicious meals during the day and feel so fortunate to nurture J. in this way. Cooking has been a labor of love, but a journey of learning as well. I really began experimenting (quite literally) and learning to cook after I graduated college and moved into my first Chicago apartment in Uptown in 2007. I'd load a bag of farmers market veggies into my scooter basket and drive home thinking "What the eff am I to do with these."

In October 2008, I became vegetarian and my experimenting transitioned to all vegetables. I feel like most of us don't know how to use vegetables, how to cook them, or eat them. The first step for me was throwing in every vegetable we had in the house! We ate a lot of wraps and rice dishes that year! I also began making soups and hummus during our first year of marriage, living in Rogers Park. Is it strange that I remember each of our apartments by what I cooked most frequently there?

As we enter our third year of homeowning, I'd like to think that I've far progressed in my cooking skills and have begun to nurture myself, my spouse, a couple transient roommates (I joke!), and friends and other family members on occasion. I've become much more confident following recipes, trying new vegetables, and owning substitutions. But it has been a process and has taken a lot of practice. Having a CSA share aided in said practice because I received a box full of vegetables each week that I had to use or see perish. 

As I get asked these questions all the time, I thought I'd share my favorite cookbooks with you. These have been instrumental in teaching me to cook, growing my confidence with vegetables, and aiding in the growth of my vegetarianism (yes, I too began by eating grilled cheese and cheese pizza every week).

The Real Dirt on Vegetables has been my go-to source for learning about vegetables, how to cook them, and how to store them. It was written by Farmer John who runs Angelic Organics where we get our CSA.

Simply in Season seriously has the best recipes I have ever tried. Everything I've made from this book has been simply divine. I've gotten rave reviews for all the dishes I've made. It's awesome because it's arranged by season so all autumn recipes call for everything you already have in the kitchen. It also has beautiful reflections at the end of each page.

I don't use Veganomicon all the time, but I love that it has the meatless versions for many favorite dish. It was extraordinarily useful as it has info in the front for which ingredients every vegetarian (vegan) household should keep in stock. There's nary a recipe I come across these days that I don't already have the ingredients at home. That can make cooking a breeze (and much more enjoyable).

These are pretty much the three cookbooks I use for everything and the internet for all the rest. Of course, I'm not getting paid to share these reviews; I just honestly love them!

If you're looking for meal ideas or recipes, I share my week's worth of cooking on Fridays, a series of posts called In My Kitchen :: A Weekly Menu. I also share vegetarian recipes from time to time.

I hope this post gives you some ideas for cooking, helps you "get in the kitchen", and starts you on your way to feeling confident cooking with vegetables. Let me know what you think and which vegetarian cookbooks you swear by!

Turtles in a Half Shell! Turtle Power!

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are kind of a big deal in our house. We may or may not have been gifted a full-sized TMNTII arcade game for our wedding. Jimmyredhed once found a Turtles van in the alley and has attempted to turn it into a beverage holder on the side of the arcade. Last year (maybe the year before), we ordered handmade coozies from etsy in all four Turtles! There may even be four little TMNC running around next spring when we welcome our chickens!

So when I found these glasses on a quick trip to Marshall's this week, I snatched them right up! There are four of them, four of us, and now we each have our own Turtles glass!

It's the little things in life, right?!

Can you guess which glass belongs to who? I think it says a lot about one's personality :)

Jimmy = Michelangelo 

Kevin = Leonardo

Alex = Donatello

Kelli = Raphael 

A Heart-filled Harvest

Today marks the end of harvest, of our first full-season (extended season!) community supported agriculture share. Last winter, we wrote a check to a small, organic farm located near Rockford, approximately 1 hour and 30 minutes outside of the city. This season we reaped the fruits of the field each week, partnered with a passionate team and Mother Nature.


Come harvest time around the first of June, a box of abundant vegetables were delivered to Lincoln Square in the pick up nearest my work. And so a routine grew and developed. Each Wednesday morning, I'd drive through an alley, at first unknown, until it soon became familiar, it soon became a glorious pathway with hydrangea blooming along the fences, sunshined leaves littered in fall, a dainty green gate marking our bounty's arrival. Chickens pecked the ground in the quaint backyard, a hammock swung in summer splendor, a modest path lined in sage, lavender, mint.


Every Wednesday morning, just after getting her getting dressed and on occasion just before, J. and I selected each vegetable one at a time, admiring its shape, size, color, smell, taste. My heart swelled even today when upon plucking out a scalloped green bunch, she exclaimed, "KALE" before taking a big bite. Now normally we wash all our veggies prior to eating, but the gloriousness from farm to table, at times, must not be interrupted.


We believe strongly in organic food, fresh, edible plants grown with regard to the earth, consumed with regard to our bodies. We believe strongly in small, passionate, family-owned farms, worked with hands over machines, attention over pesticidal poisons. We believe strongly in supporting our local economy, our money lining the pockets of friends, families, individuals working ethically and compassionately, not huge corporations that profit at the expense of others, raping their workers and the land in the process. 


As this initial seasons draws to a close, as I grow willfully anxious about returning to a grocery store, I am so thankful for my spiritual excursions, my Wednesday rituals, a box of dirty old vegetables that rooted me to earth, taught me how to cook, how to nourish those I love, and how soul-rewarding it can be to teach a toddler the difference between a cucumber and a zucchini, the Grateful Dead humming along behind us.

Grief and Birthdays

Though this day is nearly done, I must not retire without sharing a few words. As I describe this process of grief, I know at times, it can be difficult to read. Read if you wish. I seek not your approval nor your sympathy. I carry on through each day and use this outlet for myself, a record of the feelings that I'm too numb to feel in this moment, an account that I can revisit in the years to come to remind me of this raw, wide open, insanely intense mourning that braids the connection of head to heart that refuses to spark otherwise.

A mess of anxious laughter and inconsolable tears, I find myself strangely here on this Tuesday morning. Strangely here yesterday evening when my car, pointed in the direction of class, drove me home instead. Strangely here as my brother turns 22, but isn't around to celebrate his own birthday. 

I return to the chaotic cadence of my own thoughts on life, death, eternity, immortality. In all my years, death has been my greatest fear, my frenetic pace constantly echoing inside my mind, in the back of my thoughts, "I must complete all the things I want to get done. Time is short. Death so near. What will you have to show for yourself?" And yet Brad lives on, always 21, never aging, preserved in youth.

Separated, elevated, segregated, I watch my body turn on the hot water, step out of its clothes, rinse sleep from its trembling skin, all while my mind hits snooze again and again. I pinch myself once, twice, four times, witness to the redness spreading crimson across a pale forearm speckled in freckles. "How weird?" I tell this dangling me, "I can't even feel it."

In the most ironic of ironies, our beloved 15-year-old chihuahua, Buster, passed away this morning on my mom's lap en route to the vet. A birthday greeting to my baby brother, the years between them, few.

We expect our grandparents to die, in our souls' recesses, our parents too. We do not expect our childhoods to crumble down around us, pieces rattling, shaking, and falling to our feet. A longing, deep guilt, to revisit each year, celebrate each moment, acknowledge that you are a living, breathing spirit until you neither live nor breathe any longer.

And what to do, we pick up each piece, wrap it in a bow, present it as a gift for those who've ended their birth celebration. sit quietly and continue to watch it fall.

Nannying :: Forts

building forts could, quite possibly, solve all the world's ills.

that and hugs from jimmyredhed ♥

In My Kitchen :: A Weekly Menu

oatmeal and soup

Sunday

Pumpkin Bars ... and here we go again!

Monday

Oatmeal with brown sugar, cran-raspberries, almonds, and a dollop of peanut butter

Homegrown salsa with green tomatoes

Tuesday

Linguine with Carrot, Cauliflower, and Cheese Sauce
Confetti Tuna Salad ... for J.
Oatmeal ... I was craving it all day long!

Wednesday

Kale and Potato Soup

Thursday

Quesadillas

Friday
Winter Squash Bars




This week was fairly slow in the kitchen, but sometimes that just happens. Between meetings and family and a looming grad school paper, tiredness sets in and you're grabbing bits and pieces where you can, returning to trusty (quick) favorites to whip up quickly. What are some of the old standbys you cling to and throw out in a pinch?

Greening Your Home :: Gnats

spider plant and coleus

I've been acquiring houseplants over the past year to beautify our indoor space as well as reap all the clean air benefits that a little greenery brings to our home. It's old news that house plants purify indoor air and remove toxins, but also decrease stress levels as well. 


In my limited (semi-black thumb experience), cuttings received from others fare far better than plants purchased from Home Depot or the like. All my new plants have died while my hand-me-downs are bold and beautiful.


However, over the past month, I have been fighting a losing battle with fungus gnats. Basically, these disgusting little creatures burrow down into the soil and lay eggs. Their disgusting little babies fester in damp soil and eat plant roots. Adult gnats fly into your eyeballs and are annoying. So I've done a fair amount of research and have tried a myriad of different things to limited success.


First, I stopped watering my plants and gave their roots time to dry. I scraped out some of the infested soil too. I filled mason jars three-fourths of the way full with red wine and poked holes in the lid. That actually worked well. The adult gnats are drawn to the wine and then drown! Amen, suckers. After a week, I noticed a major decrease in the number gnats, but they were not eradicated. I switched out the red wine for white vinegar, but that hasn't worked as well. I also cut raw potatoes and placed them in the soil ... the suggestion being that adult gnats will lay their larvae on the potatoes and then you can discard the slices before they mature. Nope, didn't work. 

In attempts to get rid of the last batch of these little pests, I segregated the two plants that are affected and have watered only 1x over the past three weeks (they do look a bit sad). I added a touch of dish soap to my watering can, agitated the water and then applied to the plants. Fingers-crossed that this will work!


What are your suggestions for maintaining healthy plants in a green way? I'd sure love to know if you've tried something else that works better than these!

#OccupyChicago

There's battle lines being drawn

Nobody's right if everybody's wrong

Young people speaking their minds

Getting so much resistance from behind 

What a field day for the heat
A thousand people in the street
Singing songs and carrying signs
Mostly say, hooray for our side
It's time we stop, hey, what's that sound
Everybody look what's going down ☮

do you know what's going on in Chicago, across our nation, the world? 

I'd be lying to say I'm not inspired ♥

Nannying :: Yoga with Kids

In attempts to work out the knots, bumps, and pain throughout my shoulders and back, relieve stress, relieve tension, and generally feel better, I've been including a bit of yoga and stretching every day. Honestly, I'm not very good and despite having the patience of a gnat, I am enjoying the opportunity to un-hunch my shoulders for a few minutes a day.

Sometimes, the best time to stretch is in the middle of the day with Johannah right beside me. And it never fails! Downward dog becomes a bridge! How exciting?! Child's pose includes a monkey on my back. I began wondering and researching poses that J. could do with me, along side me, that would make her feel good too. In addition to some favorites, I found these videos that definitely put a spin on regular old yoga and make it appropriate for partnering with children.

I can't wait to give these moves a try!

Silly to Calm Yoga

Yoga Kid ABC's

Childhood :: Movies and Nostalgia

Last night, I was curled up in bed with a kitty at my feet, "diligently" writing a grad school paper on "The Right to Housing." I had to type borrowers time and again and in true college-student fashion, my mind was looking for any chance to procrastinate. 

Feeling a bit nostalgic, I thought of my Grandma Linda, the summers I would spend at her house and how every night before we'd go to sleep, me sharing her huge waterbed with her and at least one other cousin, we'd watch Nick at Night or a movie. My favorites was The Borrowers. We watched it together nearly every time I stayed.

Likewise, Bedknobs and Broomsticks will always remind me of my Grandma Donna. In fact, after watching it for the first time, my little sister and I raced home and twirled the knobs on our daybed to see if we, too, had a magical flying bed!

What are your most nostalgic childhood movies?

Greening Your Home :: Earth Scrub

In summer of 2008, Jimmy and I were newly married and moved into our first apartment together. In August, an adorable little lady came to live with us, our darling Killer Queen. I remember those first weeks with our new kitten in the house. I'd scrub the white kitchen linoleum and she'd run around behind me licking the bleach off the floor! Uh . . . no! Instead of locking her in a bedroom on a regular basis, I decided instead to rid our apartment of harmful cleaning supplies and made the switch to homemade right away.

soft scrub image source


I use this earth scrub to clean our sinks, shower, bathtub, and stove. It works phenomenally on anything needing some grit or abrasive. You may use any liquid soap, but if we're going chemical-free here, I suggest an organic soap like Dr. Bronner's.

1/2  cup ... Dr. Bronner's Liquid Castille Soap peppermint

1 2/3 ... Baking Soda

1/2 cup ... Water

2 tbs ... Distille White Vinegar

Mix together in a bowl and transfer to a squirt bottle (an old ketchup bottle or dish soap bottle both work great). It works phenomenally on porcelain, bathtubs, sinks especially if you let it set for a bit before scrubbing and rinsing. Shake or mix your mixture frequently so that it doesn't separate or dry out.



Interested in greening your home further? Start with your laundry ... and throw those damn dryer sheets away!

Reflection :: If You Love

soldier and peace sign

You might quiet the whole world for a second if you pray.

And if you love, if you really love,

our guns will wilt ♥

If You Love from Love Poems By God by Daniel Ladinsky

On Grief and Dichotomy

Anxious motion, I do something, I do everything, I do nothing. Five nights in a row, I unlock the basement door, walk straight to bed leaving my belongings trailing in the dark, undress under layers of blankets as night progresses. A rare day alone, I pace from kitchen to couch, from shower to garden, sit and stare at my hands, willing my mind to remember to think. Conversations start and stop in clumsy syncopation. Chattering endlessly, I can't find words to make small talk. I am just ...

A racing mind, adrenaline, so awake that I lie in bed for an hour before sleep draws near, memories flood, the curve of his chin, the shift in cushions as he sits next to me on Christmas morning, nightly wracking sobs. I fall asleep, dream of him as a child, a night we're out to dinner, wake up every half an hour to remind myself he's gone. Alarm clock rings. Exhaustion.

Mood swings, intense, unmanageable. I'm angry, I'm not, I'm sorry, I'm not, I'm joyous, I can't. By nightfall I've lost all energy, ability to interact.
I don't.

Numb, hypersensitive, I can stare at his picture unblinking ... that's my brother, that's my brother, that's my brother. A few moments pass each day when I don't feel like he's gone, don't have to admit that he's gone. I can stare at his picture and not feel. Catching a gaze from the corner of my eye, a stranger on the bus, hearing "Brad" in any passing conversation and my skin burns, my eyes burn, my innerness enflames.
"What does your brother do now?"
Well nothing actually. He's dead.

at two and a half months of grief, I'm managing the worst dichotomy, straddling two worlds, 
one I never chose.

Thrift Store Score

oh, a thrift store score, little can do more for my soul than you.

I recently discovered this little gem of storefront thrift shop in Portage Park (and wrote a bit about it here) across from The Patio Theater. 

Be still my heart.

I found a .99 canning funnel on my first trip. Their record collection is most beautiful and I picked up a CSNY album and a postage scale. I have such a crush on this place ♥

Have you found any wonderful treasures lately?

Reflection :: My Lucky Rock

earth and earth

I said to a squirrel, "What is that you are carrying?"

and he said,

"It is my lucky rock; isn't it pretty?"

I held it and said, "Indeed."

I said to God,

"What is this earth?"

And God said, "It is my lucky rock;

Isn't it wondrous?"

Yes, indeed.

My Lucky Rock from Love Poems from God by Daniel Ladinsky

In My Kitchen :: A Weekly Menu

pasta, veggies and rice, s'mores, hot chocolate

Saturday

Pumpkin Bars ... oh yes I did!

Monday

Pasta with Cheesy Carrot and Cauliflower Sauce

Tuesday

Sauteed Veggies with Brown Rice

Wednesday

Brussel Sprouts

Sweet Potato and Brussel Sprout Quesadillas

Thursday

Brussel Sprouts

Hearty Broccoli Soup

Smores ... Oh! Yes!

Friday

Pumpkin Bars

Do you sense a brussel sprout trend? Winter veggies are here and I've been diligently using up what I can. We have two weeks left in our CSA with Angelic Organics and I'm really not sure what I'm going to do with myself once it is over. Sorting our bounty, planning our meals, and preparing lunches has been my weekly Wednesday (and Thursday) schedule for the past nearly twenty-four weeks. Luckily, our farmers market has extended its season until November 22. AND as I typed that, I realized that it IS November ALREADY. What will I do in these winter months?!

aaaand it was the week of Halloween. There was plenty of chocolate in my weekly menu ♥

Ethical Consumerism ♥

As a mindful buyer, I support ethical consumerism and pledge to "Shop Chicago for the Holidays." I value handmade gifts over mass produced products. This holiday season, I will support small business owners and buy directly from handmakers to keep my money in Chicago ♥

Take a Walk With Me

Take a walk with me through our cozy front yard. 

See what I see, touch, feel, grasp, and be renewed. 

Find solace in the seeking, the walking, the quiet.

In this tiny patch of earth of ours, borrowed and adored, we embrace the sacred ♥

Inside the Urban Farmhouse :: A Well-Preserved Kitchen

All is Well

Death is nothing at all

I have only slipped away into the next room

I am I and you are you

Whatever we were to each other

That we are still

Call me by my old familiar name

Speak to me in the easy way you always used

Put no difference into your tone

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow

Laugh as we always laughed

At the little jokes we always enjoyed together

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was

Let it be spoken without effort

Without the ghost of a shadow in it

Life means all that it ever meant

It is the same as it ever was

There is absolute unbroken continuity

What is death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind

Because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you for an interval

Somewhere very near

Just around the corner

All is well.

Nothing is past; nothing is lost

One brief moment and all will be as it was before

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again ♥

~Canon Henry Scott-Holland, 1847-1918, Canon of St. Paul's Cathedral